The Bloody Truth

Even though I am female I get completely grossed out when women talk to me about periods. Yes I should probably grow up and get over it but there’s a reason I didn’t go to medical school and study gynaecology.

Here goes…Periods and exercise. The bloody truth.  So once a month females go through a brief spell of bleeding out of their vaginas. What’s worse than hearing about this is the fact that when you’re on your period all you want to do is tell people. Yes I’ll have a diet coke with that and my flow is ridiculously heavy this instant.

Throw your handbags at me if you want but I feel we use this as an excuse – own up how many times have you barked abuse at your partner then blamed it on being pre-menstrual. I actually threw a saucepan at an ex when he finished my maltesers. Fucker.  “But I’m not a crazy bitch I’m premenstrual." 

Weigh-in day at the Circuit Factory and the amount of females who say ‘my weight won’t have changed because I’m on my period’. Well the fact that your diet has been shit may be the underlying cause of your 2kg weight gain.

I worked at a Health Club in the UK and there was a lady who wanted to sign up with a discount for the 12 weeks of the year where she would not be able to use the gym due to menstruation. She classed this as her ‘disability’.

This is for those of you who have been kindly describing to me in great detail the life and times of your vagina.

So like an overconfident teenage boy – let’s break it down…

I've been bleeding for 7 days and I'm not dead yet

During your monthly cycle, the levels of Oestrogen in your body cause your uterus to thicken in preparation for ‘the egg’ becoming fertilized. When this doesn’t happen you shed the lining over 4 to 7 days, if timed poorly you ruin your best pair of white silk knickers along the way.

Why am I such a moody bitch?

4 – 5 days before your period your hormones are all over the place. Oestrogen levels rise and fall making you feel emotional, depressed, irritable, angry…

You may experience increased insulin resistance which means the glucose you eat is not able to enter your cells and stays in your blood –  your brain produces more insulin and you crave more sugars as your cells are not receiving the glucose.  These ups and downs in blood sugar levels will affect your mood as well as your energy levels.

Eat a balanced diet to stabilize blood sugar levels and avoid unnecessary spikes.

I’m pre-menstrual and all I want to do is eat mars bars – in fact I’d replace my tampons with a box of mars bars if that means I get my fix without compromising the diet.

Just before your period you go through what’s known as the ‘luteal phase’. Your Oestrogen levels drop (as you have an adequately lined uterus) as do your Serotonin levels.

Serotonin – other than sounding like a 80s pop band– is a neurotransmitter in the brain that regulates your mood. It controls your mood – it calms you down and makes you happy.

Your body craves high carb foods that promote serotonin production.

Chocolate – contains a chemical that releases serotonin in the body and also enhances secretion of endorphins – another feel good chemical.

It’s proven that women have a harder time than men replenishing serotonin levels - women think they have a harder time than men full stop.  This does not give you the green flag to roll around in baked goods. 2 squares of 70% cocoa dark chocolate will suffice.

It feels like I’ve been punched in the ovaries - I will punch you in the face if you make me run on the treadmill.

Endorphins are also released during exercise. Which is why exercise is actually recommended during your period.

Regular exercise limits PMS which helps with similar symptoms during your period. Getting the right amount of exercise should help to reduce period pain and ease cramps.

Will following the Gwyneth Paltrow Macrobiotic Twat Diet help?

There are all sorts of supplements claiming to help with PMS as they improve your mood.

B Vitamins – help your body to generate energy from food. They help form red blood cells – a deficiency can lead to anaemia which leaves a person tired and zombie like. But don’t get spending your pay pack down boots on supplements – if you eat a balanced diet rich in protein and leafy greens you should get all the essential vitamins and minerals your body needs.

I’ve gone up 5 pounds, therefore the diet isn’t working and I may as well sit at home eating biscuits

Some women retain water before their period. It’s not exactly known why but they do.  You can help by avoiding foods high in sodium that prevents your body ridding itself of excess water. Salty foods like tinned soups, condiments, soy sauce, processed food. 

Another great way to get rid of excess salt and water is to sweat it out with exercise.

I’ve been through 10 super sized tampons and am contemplating putting a mattress between my legs

Oestrogen is responsible for ensuring the lining of your uterus is thick ready for fertilization. The thicker the lining, the heavier your period.  Excess of oestrogen causes Menorrhegia (heavy bleeding).

Over exercise actually causes Amenorrhea which is when you stop having periods altogether as you have such little body fat.

Try taking NSAIDS like Ibuprofen which inhibit the hormone in the uterus that helps to shed the lining and also helps relieve cramps.

Tampons at the ready

If the Williams sisters can don their tennis whites and be filmed legs akimbo on the tennis courts mid flow then what’s stopping the rest of us. You wouldn’t find Rebecca Addlington dropping out of the 800m freestyle and forfeiting her Olympic Gold Medals due to her ‘monthlies’. Even a small issue like public urination won’t stop Paula Radcliffe in her tracks never mind a bit of period pain.

Try being proactive in this situation rather than dwelling on something you can’t change. Studies show that women who exercise regularly have lighter and shorter periods.

Do yourselves, your partners and any poor sod that catches you having an emotional moment a favour. Ditch the excuses and get to the gym instead of hugging your hot water bottle and gorging on chocolate.