Botox Barbie

A few weeks ago I had hit a bit of a plateau and was looking for something to inspire motivation. A few of the ladies at my local gym were talking about the latest craze to hit the market…the Tracey Anderson Method. I nodded my head so as not to lose face with the gym-mother’s clique (walking on the treadmill in full make up with bottle of Evian in hand - you know the ones). Turns out there is this A-List trainer in Hollywood who has transformed the figures of many a woman. Apparently she is to thank for the red carpet bodies of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston.

I’m not saying I believed this but I had to see for myself. So I hot-footed it to Dubai Mall and picked up a copy…The Tracey Anderson 30 Day Method…complete with DVD.

I read the book cover to cover. Tracey – the smug blonde with a botox fetish and– had been a dancer and a rather heavy one. She had grape-vined into the fitness industry and spent 10 years documenting hundreds of clients stopping and starting various training techniques until like the Frankenstein of Fitness she had created the one that she believes to work. I must admit the words ‘yeah right’ rang in my ears.

Anyway, the Tracey theory:

Empowering the small muscle groups and helping you achieve long lean muscle to leave you looking sexy and feminine.

My initial queries:

Are your small muscles feeling left out? By small muscles she must mean assisting muscles – those that would be triggered in any functional or core exercise.

Develop long lean muscle – suggesting your limps may get longer?  Most muscle attaches to the proximal and distal points of the bone so how on earth could they get longer.

I am assuming by this comment she is encouraging the false connotation that women who do strength/weight training will end up with big bulky muscles. Thank you Tracy for encouraging the common misunderstanding that has been plaguing the exercise industry for years. So back to the TA method.

There are 3 elements: The exercises to be completed daily. The cardio – 2 x 10minute options to be repeated for up to 60 minutes daily. The Diet.

Dubious

I glanced at the diet which has 2 phases. Weeks 1-3 then the final phase or as I like to call it the anorexic mouse phase.

The first 3 weeks of the method are sensible (ish) eating plans – very low in carbs, lean protein and very small portions. This alone will promote weight loss as it is a drastic reduction in calories. The food however is specific and if you are no Nigella in the kitchen or you actually work for a living and haven’t got time to grow, hand catch, prepare and cook your lime wedge and coriander tuna salad then you’re fucked from day 1.

Week 4. This is almost a full liquid diet of broths and ‘shots’ Not tequila, don’t get excited! Of course you are going to lose weight drinking vegetable juice – because there is nothing to it. As well as completely depleted energy levels and keeping you glued to the toilet, you will lose lean muscle and water as your body desperately clings on to it’s fat reserves as it enters survival mode thinking you are starving yourself! Not clever!

Still not convinced

Anyway I put my reservations aside and embarked on the ‘exercises’.

These are to be completed daily – without fail – and progressed week by week to day 30.

I inserted the DVD and was met by the Plastic Anderson – she does not crack a single smile throughout the entire workout. Caution, her infuriating smugness escalates throughout the DVD: please refrain from punching your television set during the workout.

TA goes through the movements for around 10 lower body, 10 upper body and 10 ab exercise. I cleared a space in my living room and lay on all fours trying hard to copy the routine, but it felt more like re-enacting a game of twister. Right hand blue, left leg green as I thrust it behind, up and away from my body – very close to doing the splits.

The exercises I would consider as ‘toning’ – rather like stuff you would do in yoga / pilates / legs bums and tums. They do ‘tone’ but I wouldn’t call them ‘innovative’ as TA claims.

The problem with these exercises is that they are ridiculously laborious. And with nothing to look at but Tracey botox brow it’s far from an enjoyable experience!  I had the book open…I had the DVD playing and I’m sure I still wasn’t quite getting it right.

30 days of this which took me a good 45 minutes and I’m still not convinced it is better than a run or a weights session.

You are taking the Piss!

And last but not least comes the cardio option.

I decided I would go for 40 minutes which consisted of playing all two of the 10 minute routines and repeating them. Not exactly spoilt for choice here.

Now there is a reason Mr Motivator got his name…aerobics instructors are meant to get inside your head and push you to get a really beneficial cardio workout…sadly with Prozac Barbie over here that is not the case. 10 minutes of nothing more than –make it up as you go along- dancing – can’t even call it a routine as there is no clear pattern to follow and for those of us blessed with the grace of an elephant, co-ordination is a challenge. It’s more an opportunity for TA to show off her dancing skills and sponsored workout outfits.

As for my attempt - I was half expecting Jeremy Beadle to pop up from the grave with his candid camera – I felt like a leprechaun doing a bad rendition of river dance. And was I getting a good workout? More like a work-under. Heart rate around 110 bpm so no, not really. Nothing a good shopping spree around Mall of Emirates wouldn’t beat.

The ‘routine’ involved way too much jumping and twisting and after 4 days I was left with agonizing knee pain. I consider myself a fit individual and my knees have never bothered me before so I was not best pleased about this and left to think about poor other individuals no doubt going through the same ordeal. The lady from the gym only lasted 1 week and had the same problem.

Tracey is adamant that no other training is to interfere with her ‘work’….so no gym, visits no brisk walking no nothing. This requires a certain amount of trust…you have to have 100% confidence in this woman and that your soon to be celeb-worthy body is safe in her capable hands. As I stare into her emotionless, paralysed eyes I can’t quite commit myself but there are people out there hundreds and thousands apparently who will readily believe that in 30 days they will be rivalling the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow.

Complete Bollocks!

But what do I read when I open the book for the first time.

Funnily enough who is Tracey Anderson’s business partner? None other than the Paltrow herself. She even writes a foreword at the start of the book the cheeky mare. Bet she’s rolling in the takings.

For only 70 usd you can buy a 14 day supply of Tracy’s perfect performance wellness formula. …designed to effectively execute your muscular structure workouts.

In English please. Personally I can’t sleep at night because I am so concerned about my performance wellness…and what the heck is a muscular structure workout?

To summarize, this is nothing but a clever PR and marketing strategy.

At the end of the day, if you stick to this plan for 30 days you will of course lose some weight and be able to see a bit of definition, but what happens next? Do you continue to sustain the brain-dulling routines and the celery stick diet? My pet hamster eats more than you’re advised in week 4.

Nothing beats lean, clean and basic. Same goes for exercise – anything that gets your heart rate higher than 160 bpm is high intensity – train in this zone 5 times per week – alternate your exercises, train your muscles – enjoy your exercise and mix it up so you don’t get bored.

Be a little bit wiser and save yourselves the 200 dirhams.